Monday, Nov. 11, 2002 - 21:48
sometimes your biggest fear in live cn be, what will i become? now i know this sounds kinda off the wall, but think about it. i look at my life over the last three years and in almost every facet, i've found ways of self-improvment and raised my awareness of self. but here's my fear, i caught myself doing something small i never wanted to do, but i did it tonight and now it bothers me. why would it bother me? ah yes, i don't feel worthy of most things that exist in my life. why don't i? i honestly don't know. but back to what i was saying...if i can experience such drastic changes in my life (again mostly good except for the fact that one person pushed me too far too many times and that, with other issues over that time compounded, i've lost sympathy to some extent and i refuse to let people walk all over me, attempt to manipulate me, lie to me, or have an opportunity to hurt me) what is to say that tons more changes won't take place that will cause more changes? grrrrrr......
another side note, rednecks annoy the HELL out of me...rednecks and white trash.
for some reason completely unknown to me, i'm not in the best of moods. again, no clue why. i had a really really bad dream last night drudging up several complicating issues in my life all at once that stretched over 19 & 1/2 years of my life, all going back to rejection and abuse that burdened me from a young age and has plagued my self-image. so here i am in my room, completely isolated with my cell phone turned off because honestly i don't want to talk to anyone. i don't want to go over this stuff and i question how much people would understand where i'm coming from. it's times like these i turn to my priest, but it is a little late for that. my other nagging fear...who wouldn't care? i know it sounds dumb, but time and time again i have been suprised by the people that have left me out in the hypothetical cold. i think i should turn my phone back on and socialize...and i just might
